Ravn's life: a work in progress

 About 20 years ago, I was spending my free time chatting with people from various places on IRC (online chat rooms) when I 'met' someone who was looking for someone to be his partner on Yahoo euchre. I had no idea how to play, and I don't remember what prompted me to offer to play but he took the time to teach me how to play. Our friendship grew from there, eventually leading to him getting on a bus to come and visit me in the summer of 2000.  The day he was supposed to arrive, I drove to the bus station and waited for quite a while only to not see him. I drove back home, upset that he just wasn't coming. I got a call, he had a transfer issue and ended up taking the train so back I went to see if he actually made it. I pulled up to the train station and finally saw him walking to my car. We spent the weekend exploring my small home town, our time capped off with him trying to convince me to go back to Wisconsin with him when he was set to leave. I resisted, and there w

 We had the memorial for my husband yesterday. It was a long and exhausting day, but it was also a good day. It was good to see family, friends that were as good as family, people I haven't seen in ages. It was also good because I was able to see how God provides in abundance. We were ok financially before, but after losing Brandyn, I have had worries about money; about dealing with getting the kids to school/dealing with school problems; struggling to get back to work, etc. but between gifts of money and support from family.. I was able to sleep secure last night, probably the best sleep I have had since this happened, but was also to wake up with the knowledge that we will be ok, that God is with me. I had been feeling some doubt before he passed, but now I know this for sure.

I have been sleeping ok the last couple of days but just sitting here at night, the anxiety creeps in and then the headaches/aches and pains as well. I am getting a lot of cards, flowers, help, etc. and I am thankful for it all but I'd rather not be needing all this attention. All the details are so overwhelming and I keep thinking "Oh that would be something Brandyn would handle.."  I have no idea what I am going to do when there aren't so many details to take care of...

 The last couple days have been filled with anger and frustration at outside sources, to the point that I didn't realize right away that today was the last day things were 'normal'. I mixed things up with some cleaning, and also took my 16 year old to the zoo while my youngest was at school.  We actually had a good conversation on the way there, been quite a while since we just talked and she was actually discussing issues rationally, not her usual 'it is _______ because I say it is'. It was a good mid-day today.

 Well I know it's been forever since I posted here but after recent events, I felt it was a good time to start this up again as therapy. Friday afternoon/evening, things were normal - the kids were on their computers, Brandyn was joking with me as I was going to bed and everything was good or so I thought.  I woke up Saturday around 6am, again just like normal, but things were not right at all. I made it to the kitchen to find my husband, my love, my life - he had passed. I was lost from that moment on, some of the responders did not help things much at all (I know they deal with this stuff all the time but still...).  I have been overwhelmed by all there is to do, but just as overwhelmed by all the help people are providing; all the help my brother in law has been with the arrangements, financial stuff, etc., church family and co-workers providing food and other basics for me and our kids, neighbors offering help - my heart is full with all the love others have shown. I am so than

I took my 10 year old to Good Friday service with me this year and her reactions got me thinking, so I thought I would put a short blog post together. She fluctuated between hungry, thirsty, antsy and then scared as the room got darker and darker. Initially I was annoyed that she couldn't sit still; but then I was thinking about the next day and I wonder how many of those emotions were being felt on the first Good Friday. No matter how common, those reactions are the reason for Good Friday in the first place.