Ravn's life: a work in progress

This is just a jumble of thoughts I wrote out today to try and put a finger on how I'm feeling..some were spoken out loud, some were not. Feeling like: drowning - stuck in the trap of sin, starting to doubt my salvation; am I throwing it away? Even though I repent I still go back to the bottle night after night.. I'm drowning in guilt - is that a sign that God is still with me? I can't tell anymore. I feel trapped in darkness, crushed, falling apart, LOST. I fooled myself into thinking I could "cut back" on the drinking, just ended up right back where I was before. I fill my mornings with God's word, but the nights with the 'escape' (what am I trying to escape anyway?) I find in the wine glass; don't even care about eating, just give me one more drink. I'm not strong enough, but I just feel alone. I was feeling very worn. (http://life1025.com/songs/worn/ - this song is just about dead on)  I received words of encouragement from my p...

The other day I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and there was a (rare) conversation about the shooting in San Bernadino where the DJ mentioned how something like this happening in the holiday season; where most of us are filled with hope at the coming of celebrating Jesus' birth; has a way (more than any other time; it's still a tragedy no matter when or where or why it happens) of taking the air out of that hope, even just a little bit... It made me remember (as if I could forget), sitting at home alone on my birthday after my husband had gone to work and I had walked the kids to school; thinking I would enjoy some peace and quiet for the day.. I had been watching Good Morning America or some other news program, I don't remember, when breaking news hit: Sandy Hook Elementary had an 'active shooter' situation that was just happening. All I could do was sit on the couch, stunned, battling between the urge to go to my girls' schools and make sure ...

A few days ago, I agreed to let my husband essentially shave my head in support for my 8 year old daughter, who was wanting her hair cut as well (we had a lice scare). I sat in the kitchen with my eyes covered for 90% of the process, scared of how I would look when it was all over. I still am not sure about it, but nothing is going to change it now but time. I've had people at church and work compliment me on the haircut and instead of leaving it at the compliment and thanking them, I felt the need to explain why I had my hair cut. Is this still a selfless act? Is explaining the reason 'bragging'? I am not sure, but at least part of me feels that what I did is no longer all that I intended it to be. This seems to be the way I handle most 'nice' things that I do for people.. leaves me feeling a mix of guilt and stupidity (maybe that's not the right word) afterwards. No one needed to know why I did something or that I was the one that did something after all.