Addiction

This is just a jumble of thoughts I wrote out today to try and put a finger on how I'm feeling..some were spoken out loud, some were not.

Feeling like:
drowning - stuck in the trap of sin, starting to doubt my salvation; am I throwing it away? Even though I repent I still go back to the bottle night after night.. I'm drowning in guilt - is that a sign that God is still with me? I can't tell anymore. I feel trapped in darkness, crushed, falling apart, LOST.

I fooled myself into thinking I could "cut back" on the drinking, just ended up right back where I was before. I fill my mornings with God's word, but the nights with the 'escape' (what am I trying to escape anyway?) I find in the wine glass; don't even care about eating, just give me one more drink.

I'm not strong enough, but I just feel alone.

I was feeling very worn. (http://life1025.com/songs/worn/ - this song is just about dead on) 


I received words of encouragement from my pastor that helped with some of these doubts and fears, not an instant 'cure', that doesn't exist because: We can't be fixed; As Christians, we should not look inward, but to Jesus & what He has done, that it's not contingent on anything we have done - He still died willingly on the cross to cover all sins we are capable of, our sins are paid for. The guilt I'm feeling is a sign I still have faith left. (I've said this before, but it's worth repeating.) The devil is a LIAR. (and even though he will try anything to get me to turn away from God, I refuse to give him any more power.)

These are mostly random thoughts, but that's where my mind is right now. This isn't going to be easy, but I am not going to just "cut back" on drinking from today on.. I have realized that did me no good.

This is my Day One and I am only going to look forward from here. I will still be broken and weak, I know that, but I will deal with it differently.

Keep the bottle, give me Jesus.