A small look into my broken, imperfect life. I am a Christian, widow, and mother of 2 beautiful girls.
Ember's Birthday party
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I had Ember's birthday party yesterday, not sure how I pulled off everything on 5 hours of sleep give or take but it was a good time. Good food, good people there, and the kids had a blast and a LOT of sugar.
I have been sleeping ok the last couple of days but just sitting here at night, the anxiety creeps in and then the headaches/aches and pains as well. I am getting a lot of cards, flowers, help, etc. and I am thankful for it all but I'd rather not be needing all this attention. All the details are so overwhelming and I keep thinking "Oh that would be something Brandyn would handle.." I have no idea what I am going to do when there aren't so many details to take care of...
This is just a jumble of thoughts I wrote out today to try and put a finger on how I'm feeling..some were spoken out loud, some were not. Feeling like: drowning - stuck in the trap of sin, starting to doubt my salvation; am I throwing it away? Even though I repent I still go back to the bottle night after night.. I'm drowning in guilt - is that a sign that God is still with me? I can't tell anymore. I feel trapped in darkness, crushed, falling apart, LOST. I fooled myself into thinking I could "cut back" on the drinking, just ended up right back where I was before. I fill my mornings with God's word, but the nights with the 'escape' (what am I trying to escape anyway?) I find in the wine glass; don't even care about eating, just give me one more drink. I'm not strong enough, but I just feel alone. I was feeling very worn. (http://life1025.com/songs/worn/ - this song is just about dead on) I received words of encouragement from my p...
I made it to 30 days sober this past Thursday, only with the help of God and the people he has put into my life. It was a rough week, and I had a couple days I was feeling tempted to give in and just have a drink but I stayed strong and made it to the 30 day mark and beyond. My last post was a look back, I have realized the signs of God in my life. Before I was brought back to faith, my drinking had been going on for years, building over time. I would scream at my kids for no reason, my husband and I fought frequently - I would even get violent against him at times, I had days that I was so hungover I could hardly manage to even take care of my kids. One would think that any of those things would cause someone to want to quit.. not in my case, I didn't care. I just kept doing the same thing, no matter how bad I felt the next day. It was around the time that I confirmed/confessed my faith in front of the church that I now attend that slowly a feeling of guilt started to grow. On...
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