Ravn's life: a work in progress

This is just a jumble of thoughts I wrote out today to try and put a finger on how I'm feeling..some were spoken out loud, some were not. Feeling like: drowning - stuck in the trap of sin, starting to doubt my salvation; am I throwing it away? Even though I repent I still go back to the bottle night after night.. I'm drowning in guilt - is that a sign that God is still with me? I can't tell anymore. I feel trapped in darkness, crushed, falling apart, LOST. I fooled myself into thinking I could "cut back" on the drinking, just ended up right back where I was before. I fill my mornings with God's word, but the nights with the 'escape' (what am I trying to escape anyway?) I find in the wine glass; don't even care about eating, just give me one more drink. I'm not strong enough, but I just feel alone. I was feeling very worn. (http://life1025.com/songs/worn/ - this song is just about dead on)  I received words of encouragement from my p...

The other day I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and there was a (rare) conversation about the shooting in San Bernadino where the DJ mentioned how something like this happening in the holiday season; where most of us are filled with hope at the coming of celebrating Jesus' birth; has a way (more than any other time; it's still a tragedy no matter when or where or why it happens) of taking the air out of that hope, even just a little bit... It made me remember (as if I could forget), sitting at home alone on my birthday after my husband had gone to work and I had walked the kids to school; thinking I would enjoy some peace and quiet for the day.. I had been watching Good Morning America or some other news program, I don't remember, when breaking news hit: Sandy Hook Elementary had an 'active shooter' situation that was just happening. All I could do was sit on the couch, stunned, battling between the urge to go to my girls' schools and make sure ...

A few days ago, I agreed to let my husband essentially shave my head in support for my 8 year old daughter, who was wanting her hair cut as well (we had a lice scare). I sat in the kitchen with my eyes covered for 90% of the process, scared of how I would look when it was all over. I still am not sure about it, but nothing is going to change it now but time. I've had people at church and work compliment me on the haircut and instead of leaving it at the compliment and thanking them, I felt the need to explain why I had my hair cut. Is this still a selfless act? Is explaining the reason 'bragging'? I am not sure, but at least part of me feels that what I did is no longer all that I intended it to be. This seems to be the way I handle most 'nice' things that I do for people.. leaves me feeling a mix of guilt and stupidity (maybe that's not the right word) afterwards. No one needed to know why I did something or that I was the one that did something after all.

I finally confessed two things that have been weighing on me for over a year: First, I talked with my pastor about the disastrous way I handled Ember's baptism, that wasn't so much a confession, more getting advice on how to handle things better in the event that Aiyana is baptized; but afterwards I did finally apologize to my husband about the whole mess just to clear the air. It was a relief to let it all out finally, person to person, and to finally take those things to God and wash them away with my tears. Tears can be quite cleansing too.. Second, I let Ember's godmother know the real reason I'd been holding back on letting them go shopping together; the silent secret wedge that I had put between them as a result of the awful way I had handled the time leading up to Ember's baptism and the baptism itself. I spent an entire day playing all sorts of negative reactions that she would have. Her response to me was kind, she related to me as a sister in Christ an...

I feel my supposed 'introspective well' has dried up.. I don't know if that is because the negative voice that had lived in my head for so long was finally evicted. It tries to come back from time to time, but is quickly replaced by God's voice that has taken up residence. The only other thing I could take about right now is the disaster that was my youngest daughter's baptism. Sure, the event itself (which was also my confirmation) was joyful and good; it was the time leading up to it that was the problem. There was a huge lack of communication between me and my husband about it all. He didn't like the church, he felt things were rushed. I felt attacked, lashed out.. So when he said "Do whatever you want" as I was heading to work one morning, I did. I picked the date, her godmother; all on my own. I've never really come clean to him that I was sorry for how badly I handled the entire thing until this week. My oldest daughter has started attend...

I guess I'm on a good turn right now. I haven't been down on myself with negative talk/thoughts since I posted last, when I had that awesome experience at work. I don't find myself getting short with people on the phone at work either. I know it is all thanks to God and to Him I give the glory, every day. As I do for my oldest (and autistic) daughter deciding to come back to church, and excited about it. I find my masks fading, at least I think so. I am more quick to love than to anger. I do fail at times, and know I will not always do the right thing. That is the amazing thing about grace - I don't have to be perfect or anywhere to close to it.

I've been getting lots of reminders of grace this week from different places. They all came to be wrapped up with each other today. I had the opportunity to go to something called Mission Days at work, focusing on resilience. I went, not knowing if I would get anything out of it other than 4 hours away from the office and free breakfast. I got that, and a lot more. A lot of the content was about meditation and different ways to stay positive in the face of negativity or stressful situations. We were led on a meditation where we were to use different ways to push the bad things out of our bodies. It wasn't totally based on any religion, so that everyone could use the techniques but the person doing the presenting had a mainly Christian focus (or that's the focus I was using). The technique was to breathe in the light, and use the light to push out the bad as whatever you wanted to picture it as; use an anchor word (the words I wrote down to use were God, Father, grace) such ...