Ravn's life: a work in progress

I made it to 30 days sober this past Thursday, only with the help of God and the people he has put into my life. It was a rough week, and I had a couple days I was feeling tempted to give in and just have a drink but I stayed strong and made it to the 30 day mark and beyond. My last post was a look back, I have realized the signs of God in my life. Before I was brought back to faith, my drinking had been going on for years, building over time. I would scream at my kids for no reason, my husband and I fought frequently - I would even get violent against him at times, I had days that I was so hungover I could hardly manage to even take care of my kids. One would think that any of those things would cause someone to want to quit.. not in my case, I didn't care. I just kept doing the same thing, no matter how bad I felt the next day. It was around the time that I confirmed/confessed my faith in front of the church that I now attend that slowly a feeling of guilt started to grow. On...

I feel I should start this with some sort of disclaimer: I'm not condemning any certain way of living or religion that anyone has/had lived or believe(d) in, this is just my experience looking back on my life so far and where God has brought me. I grew up somewhat sheltered, living with my Dad and Grandparents. It was a (somewhat) 'normal' Italian/Irish Catholic family. I'd go to church with my grandparents when my dad was not home on Saturday nights, 2 out of every 3 weeks but wasn't a member of the church. I had been baptized as a baby (that's probably the only thing in my life that happened "when it was supposed to"), as my tells it, my mom had finally agreed to it because she wanted to be able to have a party. I have never 'met' her so that may or may not be true, it doesn't matter. As far as I know she wasn't Catholic, and my dad wasn't an active Catholic anymore. It wasn't until 7th or 8th grade, after a school unit on d...

Yesterday marked two weeks sober for me. I've been reading a book my pastor recommended (http://online.nph.net/p-11953-helping-others-overcome-addictions.aspx), four chapters in and it really keeps me going. I haven't ever done any 12 step program or AA or anything like that but reading this book I'm glad I never did. The way they are described, it just sounds like trading one addiction for another with all the things you are supposed to do to fix the flesh and you have to carry the label of alcoholic/recovering alcoholic for life. This book (as far as I've gotten so far anyway) says that as long as we know and believe Christ died for us to free us and forgive us all our sins, that is all we need to know. The label we carry is 'Free' - our old, sinful selves died with Christ and we have new life because of His resurrection. It's very uplifting. I knew this but the weight of the drinking was really dragging me down and that's the point. I am still b...

This is just a jumble of thoughts I wrote out today to try and put a finger on how I'm feeling..some were spoken out loud, some were not. Feeling like: drowning - stuck in the trap of sin, starting to doubt my salvation; am I throwing it away? Even though I repent I still go back to the bottle night after night.. I'm drowning in guilt - is that a sign that God is still with me? I can't tell anymore. I feel trapped in darkness, crushed, falling apart, LOST. I fooled myself into thinking I could "cut back" on the drinking, just ended up right back where I was before. I fill my mornings with God's word, but the nights with the 'escape' (what am I trying to escape anyway?) I find in the wine glass; don't even care about eating, just give me one more drink. I'm not strong enough, but I just feel alone. I was feeling very worn. (http://life1025.com/songs/worn/ - this song is just about dead on)  I received words of encouragement from my p...

The other day I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and there was a (rare) conversation about the shooting in San Bernadino where the DJ mentioned how something like this happening in the holiday season; where most of us are filled with hope at the coming of celebrating Jesus' birth; has a way (more than any other time; it's still a tragedy no matter when or where or why it happens) of taking the air out of that hope, even just a little bit... It made me remember (as if I could forget), sitting at home alone on my birthday after my husband had gone to work and I had walked the kids to school; thinking I would enjoy some peace and quiet for the day.. I had been watching Good Morning America or some other news program, I don't remember, when breaking news hit: Sandy Hook Elementary had an 'active shooter' situation that was just happening. All I could do was sit on the couch, stunned, battling between the urge to go to my girls' schools and make sure ...

A few days ago, I agreed to let my husband essentially shave my head in support for my 8 year old daughter, who was wanting her hair cut as well (we had a lice scare). I sat in the kitchen with my eyes covered for 90% of the process, scared of how I would look when it was all over. I still am not sure about it, but nothing is going to change it now but time. I've had people at church and work compliment me on the haircut and instead of leaving it at the compliment and thanking them, I felt the need to explain why I had my hair cut. Is this still a selfless act? Is explaining the reason 'bragging'? I am not sure, but at least part of me feels that what I did is no longer all that I intended it to be. This seems to be the way I handle most 'nice' things that I do for people.. leaves me feeling a mix of guilt and stupidity (maybe that's not the right word) afterwards. No one needed to know why I did something or that I was the one that did something after all.

I finally confessed two things that have been weighing on me for over a year: First, I talked with my pastor about the disastrous way I handled Ember's baptism, that wasn't so much a confession, more getting advice on how to handle things better in the event that Aiyana is baptized; but afterwards I did finally apologize to my husband about the whole mess just to clear the air. It was a relief to let it all out finally, person to person, and to finally take those things to God and wash them away with my tears. Tears can be quite cleansing too.. Second, I let Ember's godmother know the real reason I'd been holding back on letting them go shopping together; the silent secret wedge that I had put between them as a result of the awful way I had handled the time leading up to Ember's baptism and the baptism itself. I spent an entire day playing all sorts of negative reactions that she would have. Her response to me was kind, she related to me as a sister in Christ an...