Ravn's life: a work in progress

I've been getting lots of reminders of grace this week from different places. They all came to be wrapped up with each other today. I had the opportunity to go to something called Mission Days at work, focusing on resilience. I went, not knowing if I would get anything out of it other than 4 hours away from the office and free breakfast. I got that, and a lot more. A lot of the content was about meditation and different ways to stay positive in the face of negativity or stressful situations. We were led on a meditation where we were to use different ways to push the bad things out of our bodies. It wasn't totally based on any religion, so that everyone could use the techniques but the person doing the presenting had a mainly Christian focus (or that's the focus I was using). The technique was to breathe in the light, and use the light to push out the bad as whatever you wanted to picture it as; use an anchor word (the words I wrote down to use were God, Father, grace) such ...

Yesterday I was flooded with reminders of God's grace for me which is exactly what I needed. Today He reminded me that I am broken, and that's why I need grace. I have been dealing with headaches on and off for about a year. I had a stretch not long ago where I went 14-17 days straight where the headache did not go away at all. I haven't really gotten any answers from the doctors I have been to. I thought I finally had an answer - that it was all related to my poor posture, that my spine was out of whack and the headaches had stopped. Today the headache was back with a vengeance. I may not ever get an answer or an end to the headaches, but maybe that's the point - this is my thorn to remind me why I need God, that is where my strength comes from, nowhere else.

After a conversation last night, it was pointed out to me (I was already aware, but tend to push myself anyway) that I am too hard on myself about not being good enough. I don't know why I give in to that voice that always seems to be in my head with something negative. I know I don't need to worry, but it always traps me. Last night, I prayed for a bigger reminder that all I need is to know of God's grace and He sure came through with it. On the drive in to work was song after song, all related to grace in some way or another. It was a very moving morning (to the point of tears), and that voice is absent so far today. The enemy has not had any power over my thoughts and I will not let him have a foothold again, with God's help. I am flawless because of Jesus and his sacrifice!

I still find myself keeping certain things back from people, and I'm not even sure why. Seemingly inconsequential things, but I hide and/or lie about them. Things like the fact that I started listening to a Christian radio station a few months ago. Things lined up in a certain way that I had to 'confess' to my husband that I have been listening to the station. He was not upset about the lie, omission; but his reaction to my liking Christian music was ... disappointing and so was my defending the fact. He questioned my liking Christian music, because I'm not a Christian but a Lutheran. I did answer that misinformed question - had to explain that Lutheran and Catholic were both considered Christianity and why Luther separated from the Catholic church. He was doubtful, but when his line of questioning ended, so did the conversation. That's how these types of conversations always seem to go.

I keep falling into the trap of letting my tongue run wild, or more specifically, my fingers. I can't help but talk negatively about people (usually behind their backs). I know I wouldn't like it if I was on the other end of it, from first hand experience but that doesn't stop me. I still continue to let out a stream of negativity about co-workers, this behavior is usually spurred on by conversations with certain other co-workers but is not productive or helpful. I keep Bible verses hung up around my desk to remind me against this, but it doesn't always help. I have put aside praying about this for the time being, not sure why, it is still a very big 'pet' sin of mine that I need help to fight every day. It's not easy to break away from, it is a hopeless cycle that I wish I could break but know I can't do it alone - only with God's help. I am not sure if I need to stop talking to certain people or just avoid conversation when it turns to being about ...

The last post was pretty lengthy, I promise this will be shorter. I've been writing in these posts that I am in a better place than I was. I am now thinking that may have come across as prideful (maybe there's that doubting voice again). That is not the point of these posts. I am not better for anything I have done on my own - any state I am in life, good or bad, is all because of the grace of God. That's all there is to it. I just hope to live a life that brings glory to God.

I've been working through reading and writing in a journal I got at the library book sale - each week deals with getting rid of something: fear, guilt, loneliness and doubt. (I think those are the four things.) Today's page was regarding loneliness and talked about us doing things so as not to stand out or be lonely such as sleeping with anyone just for the sake of company, looking for love in the wrong places to the extreme side to how we dress - either to not stand out or to get attention. I've been guilty of all of those things in the past. Specifically, the year that I was away at college. I started out on task, but slowly fell into many temptations. When I was in that time, I just thought of it as having fun but when I read this today I realized what I was actually doing. I lived that way a couple of years, even after moving back in with my family. I know I can rest easy knowing that now I know God is with me and always will be and the things I did in the past are ...