Ravn's life: a work in progress

 I have been feeling so alone the last few days. I know that I am not, that God is always with me (in His Word and Communion) but He is also directing the hands and feet of His people. That is the piece that is missing. I don't know if it's me being such an introvert, not reaching out to people or people just don't know how to approach me because they can't relate to what I am going through. It's not to say no one is trying at all, there have been some people reaching out once in a while but as time has passed, that has dropped off as well. The offers for me to 'reach out if I need anything' are ok but I don't really know what I need still.  I am planning to go back to work on Monday, reduced hours to start, and people keep telling me that will help but I am not sure about going back, even 3 months later. I keep hearing how strong I am, but it's all I can do to not cry every day or get in a huge fight with at least one of my daughters. I don't kn...

 About 20 years ago, I was spending my free time chatting with people from various places on IRC (online chat rooms) when I 'met' someone who was looking for someone to be his partner on Yahoo euchre. I had no idea how to play, and I don't remember what prompted me to offer to play but he took the time to teach me how to play. Our friendship grew from there, eventually leading to him getting on a bus to come and visit me in the summer of 2000.  The day he was supposed to arrive, I drove to the bus station and waited for quite a while only to not see him. I drove back home, upset that he just wasn't coming. I got a call, he had a transfer issue and ended up taking the train so back I went to see if he actually made it. I pulled up to the train station and finally saw him walking to my car. We spent the weekend exploring my small home town, our time capped off with him trying to convince me to go back to Wisconsin with him when he was set to leave. I resisted, and there w...

 We had the memorial for my husband yesterday. It was a long and exhausting day, but it was also a good day. It was good to see family, friends that were as good as family, people I haven't seen in ages. It was also good because I was able to see how God provides in abundance. We were ok financially before, but after losing Brandyn, I have had worries about money; about dealing with getting the kids to school/dealing with school problems; struggling to get back to work, etc. but between gifts of money and support from family.. I was able to sleep secure last night, probably the best sleep I have had since this happened, but was also to wake up with the knowledge that we will be ok, that God is with me. I had been feeling some doubt before he passed, but now I know this for sure.

I have been sleeping ok the last couple of days but just sitting here at night, the anxiety creeps in and then the headaches/aches and pains as well. I am getting a lot of cards, flowers, help, etc. and I am thankful for it all but I'd rather not be needing all this attention. All the details are so overwhelming and I keep thinking "Oh that would be something Brandyn would handle.."  I have no idea what I am going to do when there aren't so many details to take care of...

 The last couple days have been filled with anger and frustration at outside sources, to the point that I didn't realize right away that today was the last day things were 'normal'. I mixed things up with some cleaning, and also took my 16 year old to the zoo while my youngest was at school.  We actually had a good conversation on the way there, been quite a while since we just talked and she was actually discussing issues rationally, not her usual 'it is _______ because I say it is'. It was a good mid-day today.

 Well I know it's been forever since I posted here but after recent events, I felt it was a good time to start this up again as therapy. Friday afternoon/evening, things were normal - the kids were on their computers, Brandyn was joking with me as I was going to bed and everything was good or so I thought.  I woke up Saturday around 6am, again just like normal, but things were not right at all. I made it to the kitchen to find my husband, my love, my life - he had passed. I was lost from that moment on, some of the responders did not help things much at all (I know they deal with this stuff all the time but still...).  I have been overwhelmed by all there is to do, but just as overwhelmed by all the help people are providing; all the help my brother in law has been with the arrangements, financial stuff, etc., church family and co-workers providing food and other basics for me and our kids, neighbors offering help - my heart is full with all the love others have shown. I ...

I took my 10 year old to Good Friday service with me this year and her reactions got me thinking, so I thought I would put a short blog post together. She fluctuated between hungry, thirsty, antsy and then scared as the room got darker and darker. Initially I was annoyed that she couldn't sit still; but then I was thinking about the next day and I wonder how many of those emotions were being felt on the first Good Friday. No matter how common, those reactions are the reason for Good Friday in the first place.

Some of this is related to a past post here: http://ravnslife.blogspot.com/2015/10/always-growing-in-grace.html I have been frustrated with work until recently (that feeling still comes, but not as strong as it has been), trying to get out of the customer service department, applied for a job with another employer, all the while I kept praying for some direction on where I was supposed to be or at least contentment if I was were I was 'supposed' to be. I started putting a lot more focus on my home and family: keeping up with housework, trying to not lose my patience as much (yes, I still fail often on some of this), etc. I was half thinking of wanting to quit and just stay home.. I was at a loss on where my life was going. I think I'm finally finding contentment at home, most days anyway. A couple weeks ago, God gave me an answer on where I'm supposed to be in a fairly big way: everyone company-wide was getting a raise, but they went well above that for the custom...

We had youth confirmation this past Sunday. It made me think back to my confirmation (both of them). I know that baptism gives us the Holy Spirit and thus new life, or a new nature that desires to do good/follow God's law, but after Sunday and thinking of where I've been and what I've come through I feel that the new life is finally realized (if that's the right word). I don't know if it's just difference between the past teaching and now - there wasn't a lot of "here's the Bible and that's why we believe xyz" when I was growing up. My Catholic upbringing feels like a past life, I hardly remember any of it. It could be it was just that long ago, not sure - I remember bits and pieces of catechism classes, and of course First Communion and Confirmation but nothing of any real substance from what I was taught. Baptism starts us on the path of that new life in Jesus, but living it out (as best as we can because our sinful nature doesn't g...

After an incident last week that had me really doubting my parenting - as if I needed any help in that (looking back, I probably did overreact but that's not really the point). I received words of encouragement from a friend and my pastor that helped me feel better, but not necessarily made me ready to forgive the person that made the comments. I kept going back to feeling bad about the situation, my parenting skills. As the week went on, my email was filled with devotions and Bible verses about forgiveness. Sometimes God's voice is a whisper, but this time it was a roar. God is good - all this went on, while 'behind the scenes' an apology card was on it's way to me. I was able to talk to the 'offender' today, I forgave her, we hugged and she almost starting to cry. It's such a relief to be able to let something like that go - hopefully, she can put it behind her as well. It doesn't do any good to hold to to a grudge or hurt, I've done enough...

The last few weeks, especially the last few days I have been feeling increasingly grumpy - mostly about work related things. I am finding that I seem to be surrounded by people that are just out to either take advantage of me or disregard anything I do completely. I'd say most of this is probably imagined but it's been proven to me in a couple of ways recently. Co-workers have noticed similar things, complain about being too busy but then when I offer to help I am ignored. I don't know why I've been reacting.. badly (to put it mildly) about all of this. My patience is wearing thin and I'm on the verge of just letting all my frustrations out. Is it pride or something else? Am I just feeling slighted because I'm not getting the recognition (or any recognition) for things I've done? That no one trusts me with any 'extra' work for some reason? I'm just feeling stuck in a hole with no way out. It's probable that most of this is just in my head -...

I made it to 30 days sober this past Thursday, only with the help of God and the people he has put into my life. It was a rough week, and I had a couple days I was feeling tempted to give in and just have a drink but I stayed strong and made it to the 30 day mark and beyond. My last post was a look back, I have realized the signs of God in my life. Before I was brought back to faith, my drinking had been going on for years, building over time. I would scream at my kids for no reason, my husband and I fought frequently - I would even get violent against him at times, I had days that I was so hungover I could hardly manage to even take care of my kids. One would think that any of those things would cause someone to want to quit.. not in my case, I didn't care. I just kept doing the same thing, no matter how bad I felt the next day. It was around the time that I confirmed/confessed my faith in front of the church that I now attend that slowly a feeling of guilt started to grow. On...

I feel I should start this with some sort of disclaimer: I'm not condemning any certain way of living or religion that anyone has/had lived or believe(d) in, this is just my experience looking back on my life so far and where God has brought me. I grew up somewhat sheltered, living with my Dad and Grandparents. It was a (somewhat) 'normal' Italian/Irish Catholic family. I'd go to church with my grandparents when my dad was not home on Saturday nights, 2 out of every 3 weeks but wasn't a member of the church. I had been baptized as a baby (that's probably the only thing in my life that happened "when it was supposed to"), as my tells it, my mom had finally agreed to it because she wanted to be able to have a party. I have never 'met' her so that may or may not be true, it doesn't matter. As far as I know she wasn't Catholic, and my dad wasn't an active Catholic anymore. It wasn't until 7th or 8th grade, after a school unit on d...

Yesterday marked two weeks sober for me. I've been reading a book my pastor recommended (http://online.nph.net/p-11953-helping-others-overcome-addictions.aspx), four chapters in and it really keeps me going. I haven't ever done any 12 step program or AA or anything like that but reading this book I'm glad I never did. The way they are described, it just sounds like trading one addiction for another with all the things you are supposed to do to fix the flesh and you have to carry the label of alcoholic/recovering alcoholic for life. This book (as far as I've gotten so far anyway) says that as long as we know and believe Christ died for us to free us and forgive us all our sins, that is all we need to know. The label we carry is 'Free' - our old, sinful selves died with Christ and we have new life because of His resurrection. It's very uplifting. I knew this but the weight of the drinking was really dragging me down and that's the point. I am still b...

This is just a jumble of thoughts I wrote out today to try and put a finger on how I'm feeling..some were spoken out loud, some were not. Feeling like: drowning - stuck in the trap of sin, starting to doubt my salvation; am I throwing it away? Even though I repent I still go back to the bottle night after night.. I'm drowning in guilt - is that a sign that God is still with me? I can't tell anymore. I feel trapped in darkness, crushed, falling apart, LOST. I fooled myself into thinking I could "cut back" on the drinking, just ended up right back where I was before. I fill my mornings with God's word, but the nights with the 'escape' (what am I trying to escape anyway?) I find in the wine glass; don't even care about eating, just give me one more drink. I'm not strong enough, but I just feel alone. I was feeling very worn. (http://life1025.com/songs/worn/ - this song is just about dead on)  I received words of encouragement from my p...

The other day I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and there was a (rare) conversation about the shooting in San Bernadino where the DJ mentioned how something like this happening in the holiday season; where most of us are filled with hope at the coming of celebrating Jesus' birth; has a way (more than any other time; it's still a tragedy no matter when or where or why it happens) of taking the air out of that hope, even just a little bit... It made me remember (as if I could forget), sitting at home alone on my birthday after my husband had gone to work and I had walked the kids to school; thinking I would enjoy some peace and quiet for the day.. I had been watching Good Morning America or some other news program, I don't remember, when breaking news hit: Sandy Hook Elementary had an 'active shooter' situation that was just happening. All I could do was sit on the couch, stunned, battling between the urge to go to my girls' schools and make sure ...

A few days ago, I agreed to let my husband essentially shave my head in support for my 8 year old daughter, who was wanting her hair cut as well (we had a lice scare). I sat in the kitchen with my eyes covered for 90% of the process, scared of how I would look when it was all over. I still am not sure about it, but nothing is going to change it now but time. I've had people at church and work compliment me on the haircut and instead of leaving it at the compliment and thanking them, I felt the need to explain why I had my hair cut. Is this still a selfless act? Is explaining the reason 'bragging'? I am not sure, but at least part of me feels that what I did is no longer all that I intended it to be. This seems to be the way I handle most 'nice' things that I do for people.. leaves me feeling a mix of guilt and stupidity (maybe that's not the right word) afterwards. No one needed to know why I did something or that I was the one that did something after all.

I finally confessed two things that have been weighing on me for over a year: First, I talked with my pastor about the disastrous way I handled Ember's baptism, that wasn't so much a confession, more getting advice on how to handle things better in the event that Aiyana is baptized; but afterwards I did finally apologize to my husband about the whole mess just to clear the air. It was a relief to let it all out finally, person to person, and to finally take those things to God and wash them away with my tears. Tears can be quite cleansing too.. Second, I let Ember's godmother know the real reason I'd been holding back on letting them go shopping together; the silent secret wedge that I had put between them as a result of the awful way I had handled the time leading up to Ember's baptism and the baptism itself. I spent an entire day playing all sorts of negative reactions that she would have. Her response to me was kind, she related to me as a sister in Christ an...

I feel my supposed 'introspective well' has dried up.. I don't know if that is because the negative voice that had lived in my head for so long was finally evicted. It tries to come back from time to time, but is quickly replaced by God's voice that has taken up residence. The only other thing I could take about right now is the disaster that was my youngest daughter's baptism. Sure, the event itself (which was also my confirmation) was joyful and good; it was the time leading up to it that was the problem. There was a huge lack of communication between me and my husband about it all. He didn't like the church, he felt things were rushed. I felt attacked, lashed out.. So when he said "Do whatever you want" as I was heading to work one morning, I did. I picked the date, her godmother; all on my own. I've never really come clean to him that I was sorry for how badly I handled the entire thing until this week. My oldest daughter has started attend...

I guess I'm on a good turn right now. I haven't been down on myself with negative talk/thoughts since I posted last, when I had that awesome experience at work. I don't find myself getting short with people on the phone at work either. I know it is all thanks to God and to Him I give the glory, every day. As I do for my oldest (and autistic) daughter deciding to come back to church, and excited about it. I find my masks fading, at least I think so. I am more quick to love than to anger. I do fail at times, and know I will not always do the right thing. That is the amazing thing about grace - I don't have to be perfect or anywhere to close to it.