Ravn's life: a work in progress

This is just a jumble of thoughts I wrote out today to try and put a finger on how I'm feeling..some were spoken out loud, some were not. Feeling like: drowning - stuck in the trap of sin, starting to doubt my salvation; am I throwing it away? Even though I repent I still go back to the bottle night after night.. I'm drowning in guilt - is that a sign that God is still with me? I can't tell anymore. I feel trapped in darkness, crushed, falling apart, LOST. I fooled myself into thinking I could "cut back" on the drinking, just ended up right back where I was before. I fill my mornings with God's word, but the nights with the 'escape' (what am I trying to escape anyway?) I find in the wine glass; don't even care about eating, just give me one more drink. I'm not strong enough, but I just feel alone. I was feeling very worn. (http://life1025.com/songs/worn/ - this song is just about dead on)  I received words of encouragement from my p

The other day I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and there was a (rare) conversation about the shooting in San Bernadino where the DJ mentioned how something like this happening in the holiday season; where most of us are filled with hope at the coming of celebrating Jesus' birth; has a way (more than any other time; it's still a tragedy no matter when or where or why it happens) of taking the air out of that hope, even just a little bit... It made me remember (as if I could forget), sitting at home alone on my birthday after my husband had gone to work and I had walked the kids to school; thinking I would enjoy some peace and quiet for the day.. I had been watching Good Morning America or some other news program, I don't remember, when breaking news hit: Sandy Hook Elementary had an 'active shooter' situation that was just happening. All I could do was sit on the couch, stunned, battling between the urge to go to my girls' schools and make sure

A few days ago, I agreed to let my husband essentially shave my head in support for my 8 year old daughter, who was wanting her hair cut as well (we had a lice scare). I sat in the kitchen with my eyes covered for 90% of the process, scared of how I would look when it was all over. I still am not sure about it, but nothing is going to change it now but time. I've had people at church and work compliment me on the haircut and instead of leaving it at the compliment and thanking them, I felt the need to explain why I had my hair cut. Is this still a selfless act? Is explaining the reason 'bragging'? I am not sure, but at least part of me feels that what I did is no longer all that I intended it to be. This seems to be the way I handle most 'nice' things that I do for people.. leaves me feeling a mix of guilt and stupidity (maybe that's not the right word) afterwards. No one needed to know why I did something or that I was the one that did something after all.

I finally confessed two things that have been weighing on me for over a year: First, I talked with my pastor about the disastrous way I handled Ember's baptism, that wasn't so much a confession, more getting advice on how to handle things better in the event that Aiyana is baptized; but afterwards I did finally apologize to my husband about the whole mess just to clear the air. It was a relief to let it all out finally, person to person, and to finally take those things to God and wash them away with my tears. Tears can be quite cleansing too.. Second, I let Ember's godmother know the real reason I'd been holding back on letting them go shopping together; the silent secret wedge that I had put between them as a result of the awful way I had handled the time leading up to Ember's baptism and the baptism itself. I spent an entire day playing all sorts of negative reactions that she would have. Her response to me was kind, she related to me as a sister in Christ an

I feel my supposed 'introspective well' has dried up.. I don't know if that is because the negative voice that had lived in my head for so long was finally evicted. It tries to come back from time to time, but is quickly replaced by God's voice that has taken up residence. The only other thing I could take about right now is the disaster that was my youngest daughter's baptism. Sure, the event itself (which was also my confirmation) was joyful and good; it was the time leading up to it that was the problem. There was a huge lack of communication between me and my husband about it all. He didn't like the church, he felt things were rushed. I felt attacked, lashed out.. So when he said "Do whatever you want" as I was heading to work one morning, I did. I picked the date, her godmother; all on my own. I've never really come clean to him that I was sorry for how badly I handled the entire thing until this week. My oldest daughter has started attend

I guess I'm on a good turn right now. I haven't been down on myself with negative talk/thoughts since I posted last, when I had that awesome experience at work. I don't find myself getting short with people on the phone at work either. I know it is all thanks to God and to Him I give the glory, every day. As I do for my oldest (and autistic) daughter deciding to come back to church, and excited about it. I find my masks fading, at least I think so. I am more quick to love than to anger. I do fail at times, and know I will not always do the right thing. That is the amazing thing about grace - I don't have to be perfect or anywhere to close to it.

I've been getting lots of reminders of grace this week from different places. They all came to be wrapped up with each other today. I had the opportunity to go to something called Mission Days at work, focusing on resilience. I went, not knowing if I would get anything out of it other than 4 hours away from the office and free breakfast. I got that, and a lot more. A lot of the content was about meditation and different ways to stay positive in the face of negativity or stressful situations. We were led on a meditation where we were to use different ways to push the bad things out of our bodies. It wasn't totally based on any religion, so that everyone could use the techniques but the person doing the presenting had a mainly Christian focus (or that's the focus I was using). The technique was to breathe in the light, and use the light to push out the bad as whatever you wanted to picture it as; use an anchor word (the words I wrote down to use were God, Father, grace) such

Yesterday I was flooded with reminders of God's grace for me which is exactly what I needed. Today He reminded me that I am broken, and that's why I need grace. I have been dealing with headaches on and off for about a year. I had a stretch not long ago where I went 14-17 days straight where the headache did not go away at all. I haven't really gotten any answers from the doctors I have been to. I thought I finally had an answer - that it was all related to my poor posture, that my spine was out of whack and the headaches had stopped. Today the headache was back with a vengeance. I may not ever get an answer or an end to the headaches, but maybe that's the point - this is my thorn to remind me why I need God, that is where my strength comes from, nowhere else.

After a conversation last night, it was pointed out to me (I was already aware, but tend to push myself anyway) that I am too hard on myself about not being good enough. I don't know why I give in to that voice that always seems to be in my head with something negative. I know I don't need to worry, but it always traps me. Last night, I prayed for a bigger reminder that all I need is to know of God's grace and He sure came through with it. On the drive in to work was song after song, all related to grace in some way or another. It was a very moving morning (to the point of tears), and that voice is absent so far today. The enemy has not had any power over my thoughts and I will not let him have a foothold again, with God's help. I am flawless because of Jesus and his sacrifice!

I still find myself keeping certain things back from people, and I'm not even sure why. Seemingly inconsequential things, but I hide and/or lie about them. Things like the fact that I started listening to a Christian radio station a few months ago. Things lined up in a certain way that I had to 'confess' to my husband that I have been listening to the station. He was not upset about the lie, omission; but his reaction to my liking Christian music was ... disappointing and so was my defending the fact. He questioned my liking Christian music, because I'm not a Christian but a Lutheran. I did answer that misinformed question - had to explain that Lutheran and Catholic were both considered Christianity and why Luther separated from the Catholic church. He was doubtful, but when his line of questioning ended, so did the conversation. That's how these types of conversations always seem to go.

I keep falling into the trap of letting my tongue run wild, or more specifically, my fingers. I can't help but talk negatively about people (usually behind their backs). I know I wouldn't like it if I was on the other end of it, from first hand experience but that doesn't stop me. I still continue to let out a stream of negativity about co-workers, this behavior is usually spurred on by conversations with certain other co-workers but is not productive or helpful. I keep Bible verses hung up around my desk to remind me against this, but it doesn't always help. I have put aside praying about this for the time being, not sure why, it is still a very big 'pet' sin of mine that I need help to fight every day. It's not easy to break away from, it is a hopeless cycle that I wish I could break but know I can't do it alone - only with God's help. I am not sure if I need to stop talking to certain people or just avoid conversation when it turns to being about

The last post was pretty lengthy, I promise this will be shorter. I've been writing in these posts that I am in a better place than I was. I am now thinking that may have come across as prideful (maybe there's that doubting voice again). That is not the point of these posts. I am not better for anything I have done on my own - any state I am in life, good or bad, is all because of the grace of God. That's all there is to it. I just hope to live a life that brings glory to God.

I've been working through reading and writing in a journal I got at the library book sale - each week deals with getting rid of something: fear, guilt, loneliness and doubt. (I think those are the four things.) Today's page was regarding loneliness and talked about us doing things so as not to stand out or be lonely such as sleeping with anyone just for the sake of company, looking for love in the wrong places to the extreme side to how we dress - either to not stand out or to get attention. I've been guilty of all of those things in the past. Specifically, the year that I was away at college. I started out on task, but slowly fell into many temptations. When I was in that time, I just thought of it as having fun but when I read this today I realized what I was actually doing. I lived that way a couple of years, even after moving back in with my family. I know I can rest easy knowing that now I know God is with me and always will be and the things I did in the past are

We've been discussing the last days the last few weeks in Bible study at church, and in the past have discussed different churches/religions that teach works righteous. I saw what this does first hand. I grew up in a Catholic home and was a member of the Catholic church in town for while. My grandmother would be in her room for hours at end praying the rosary over and over, especially during Lent, because she was so convinced that she had to do it (she had OCD at the least) to protect/save herself and our family. All I see in that was her pain, looking back on it; as it was happening that was just the way she was. I wasn't necessarily looking for a church two years ago when I found (or was found by) the newest church in town, Good News , but I am glad for it. It's a place I have learned of the truth - that by grace alone I am saved, through the sacrifice of Jesus and the gift of faith in Him and His grace. There is nothing I have to do to earn it; likewise, there is nothi

Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  I can't do anything on my own, I realize that - I need God in all things, to get through this broken life. I need to focus on Him, pride gets in the way of that sometimes. Help me to be humble, to remember that fact.

I wrote this yesterday but didn't have any time to post it here, so here it is now, better late than never. I think I am finally in a better place - I used to use the time I wasn't able to sleep to fret/worry/replay things from the day that I did wrong, could have done better, etc. Now I use that time to talk to God, I have sins to confess most days as well, but I don't think of them as things to regret or worry about. I am sorry for them, but will not dwell on them as I have in the past. I use the time to get those things out of my mind and to the cross. I am done with living in the past, I will learn from my mistakes/sins and move on. I will not give satan or my enemies a foot hold to use any of that against me. I will still have pain, but know God will ease any fear, I don't have to carry the world. God has that covered.

Whenever I feel fear or the anxiety of old coming into my heart, I will take that to God my Father first; there needs to be no mask between me and God. Maybe when I have things that freeze me in fear, by taking them to God hopefully that will free me to share those fears with my husband and other people, if need be. Just to be more open with myself as I'm starting to is reducing my fears even more. Taking up this blog (and finding the physical journal) have been a blessing, it is making me examine myself and realize it's ok to not be perfect, one less burden on me. God's love covers me in perfection, and that is enough.

I can't really write anymore about fear than I have already. I have dealt with severe anxiety in the past but have moved past that part of my life. I wasn't in a place where I acknowledged God at that time but looking back now I can see it was God that helped me through it. I don't ever want to go back to that place again - it was dark and was the catalyst that started me on the path to where I ended up with my drinking before I was able to put that aside as well, again with God's help and strength, I came out of the darkness.

"Father, if you are willing, take away this cup of suffering. But do what you want, not what I want" Luke 22:42 This verse, along with 2 Corinthians 12:7 are good for me - the verse from Corinthians came to me as a daily devotional email from my synod at a time I was struggling with non-stop headaches. If Jesus can have those fears but do what He did for us anyway, I am not as bad off and will survive this. I prayed for relief, which came to me eventually, in God's time and not before. As a result, I was made aware of things I needed to change to be able to feel better. Just like the guilt, I will take my fears and pain to God in prayer. He will always answer. I just need patience, and that is the reason God has put Aiyana in my life, to teach me patience. It's a slow journey. I will put fear away - Ember is with me to help with that, to get out of my comfort zone and do things I am afraid to do because of the chance to fail. Thank God for them, and for the chance t

 This post won't be as introspective but I wanted to still write something. I had a nice quiet weekend with my daughters, girls weekend. We went for a walk Saturday night and I was able to get my older daughter come to church with me (a rare occurrence). They gave me a few problems of not wanting to listen but for the most part they were calm and well behaved. I was thankful for that. My husband is cooking brats on the grill now and they have been playing outside most of the day. All in all, it's been as perfect of a weekend as it could be. I am finishing up a few things to get ready for the week and relaxing. This doesn't necessarily fit the post, but this was from the passage this week's sermon was based on, and I wanted to have it here regardless: Romans 1:17 - For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed - a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith." Have a blessed week, those

I just had a realization, after a couple conversations over the last few days. One with a co-worker regarding my older daughter who is autistic, and also going through puberty. She said that God wouldn't have given her to me if I couldn't handle it. One (it wasn't really a conversation, more a statement) from my younger daughter - we were watching something on Food network and someone was using mussels and she declared "mussels? I love those". This is coming from a day my husband had made mixed seafood alfredo with shrimp, mussels, calamari and Ember's advice to me was just to try the mussels and she was right. Putting these two things together this morning, the awareness came to me that my co-worker was right. Aiyana is in my life to teach me patience and kindness over impatience and anger; Ember is in my life to get me out of my comfort zone and to try new things. Thank God for them and the lessons they can teach me.

James 3:5-8 " Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison." This was part of my devotional reading with my daughter Ember last night, after reading it, she wanted to read the 'Living It' reference from her Bible. It said to count to three and think 'bit, rudder, spark' to yourself before saying something that could be mean or hurtful. We hadn't read the whole passage related to this side note, but it's fitting to something I struggle with. I am in the habit of talking negatively about people

Romans 3:23-24 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. What a perfect gift I have through Jesus - His perfection. There is nothing better, so why don't I enjoy every moment? Do I need more reminders of this? My life should be more than enough for me, along with God's word that I keep in my heart. It's not always something that I give myself over to unfortunately; but I will resolve to live each day as the gift it is - there is (or shouldn't be) no guilt left in that.

1 Corinthians 10:12-13 : 12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 13 No temptation [ a ] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted [ b ] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, [ c ] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. So often I fall into a trap of anger, worry, guilt, pride, etc. that it seems like it is too much to get away from. I was reading through some Bible verses I had written down shortly after I began my journey to join the Christian church again as WELS (I was raised in the Catholic faith) and stuck on this one for today. It's something I need to keep in my mind, as well as God will not give you more trouble than you can bear. Sometimes (a lot of times) I feel overwhelmed with life, struggles with my pet sins that I want to give up; but I will work to remember this promise in my troubles.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. (Psalm 27:1,4)" An appropriate reminder today. I was going to post something about fear but today my main struggle is anger. I've been snapping at everyone since I got done with work today. I didn't even have a bad day necessarily but anything anyone of my family does, I snap and yell at them.. now I feel guilty, but that doesn't break the cycle of the yelling, at least for today. Praying for some peace.

I was awake at 4am this morning and was still feeling pretty down on myself about things. I continue to pray for help which came on the way to work in a song: http://life1025.com/#songs/shoulders/ The perfect song at the perfect moment, it almost brought me to tears, it struck me so deeply. I also was directed to Luke 12 today and that has started to help me get away from the guilt I was feeling. This was an emotional day, but also productive, I was able to make progress to let go of more guilt.

" Make us patient Dear God, heavenly Father, all too often we are quick to become frustrated and angry. Make us patient, ready to endure trials that come our way, knowing you will work things for our good. Make us patient, willing to continue, believing your promise that we can do great things for you. Make us patient, bearing with others in their weaknesses and sin, realizing that we too are sinful creatures. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen." "Deliver me Heavenly Father, you are my harbor of safety in the storms of life, my rock that I cling to for salvation, and my Redeemer who alone can save me from destruction. Take notice of my need, and reach out your hand to save me from my hurts and afflicts. Do not let my trouble overwhelm me. Strengthen and encourage me, save and deliver me, and cleanse me from sin. Amen." This is mainly a placeholder for a couple of prayers I need at the moment, from http://wels.net/serving-you/prayers/ to get through thing

I decided to start up this blog again, after some things happened that I am still struggling with. I used to keep a written journal years ago and it was therapeutic for me, so hopefully this will be good, at least for me. "What would I do?" is one of the thoughts that was going through my head after the latest mass shooting.. would I admit to being a Christian in the face of a gunman.. that put me into a tailspin of doubt and guilt which has lessened but is still there. I know that is because of our sinful nature and that I have forgiveness through what Jesus did for me (and all of us). Even with that knowledge, I still fear death coming, mainly before I am ready, but also in general - there is still a small, nagging doubt that I won't go/there is no heaven. I keep myself in the Word, but am still growing in my faith. I have to keep reminding myself that we are all broken, imperfect and nothing we can do will change this - but we don't have to. It's not alway